
Welcome to the first day of the Jets Kvetch ExFanstravaganza! For those not in the know, this is the first in a daily series of posts previewing the new NFL year in the lead-up to the Jets-Ravens Monday Night Football game. Today I’ll be conducting the first of my new weekly power rankings. However, these rankings, unlike those ubiquitous ones seen everywhere from ESPN to Fox Sports to Bleacher Report, measures not the strength or weakness of each individual franchise, but the satisfaction of its fans. There are a number of factors that go into such a calculation, and while the old adage “Winning cures everything” is mostly true, I think you’ll find that mere wins and losses are not always the best predictors of fan happiness. For instance, the Lionss may be a trainwreck, but they’re a slowly improving trainwreck, so if by Week 3 they have one good win and, say, the Chargers start 1-2, one would imagine Lions fans, who entered the year with low expectations, would be feeling better about themselves than would a San Diego fan, who has their eyes set on the Super Bowl. In a sense, I guess you could think of this as something of a glour ranking. Ho ho!
Here’s how to read the Fandex: each fanbase is given a score between 0 and 100, a 100 representing the pure, orgasmic bliss that only a world championship can bring, and a 0 being, well, a 0 means you’re probably a Browns fan. In addition to the score, each team will be assigned a themed characteristic that I think best matches the personality of their organization. For instance, this week I have assigned each group a favored drink. Play along in the comments if you like.
All that having been said, let us now commence the first ever Fandex!

PRESEASON

#1 DALLAS COWBOYS
Fandex Rating: 96
Comments: In addition to the general smug, self-accomplished air that accompanies following America’s Team, Cowboys fans have it going on right now. Their defense is elite, their passing attack is formidable, the Super Bowl is in their own home, and that home happens to be larger than six U.S. states, with merchandise sales outpacing the national economies of several Pacific islands. By both winning in December and in the playoffs last year, the Boys built the kind of fan confidence needed to make a serious run.
Favorite Drink: Scotch and soda

#2 NEW ORLEANS SAINTS
Fandex Rating: 95
Comments: It’s hard not to be ecstatic when you’re champs. That said, Saints fans know how difficult title defenses can be, and are aware that the euphoria of victory does not last long in the NFL. Who Dat Nation has had a taste, and they want more. Will they repeat? With Saint Breesus, all things are possible.
Favorite Drink: Sazerac Cocktails

#3 INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
Fandex Rating: 92
Comments: “As long as we have Manning…” seems to be the mantra of the state of Indiana, which, while no doubt still feeling somewhat dejected from a defeat they probably assumed was impossible, remain convinced that their hero will again lead them to big game. They’re not wrong. The Colts have won at least 12 games every year for about a decade, and they’re not likely to halt that record in 2010. So long as Manning stays healthy, Hoosiers can sleep soundly at night knowing their team has a shot.
Favorite Drink: Steak N’ Shake Hand-Dipped Butterfingers Candy Malt

#4 BALTIMORE RAVENS
Fandex Rating: 89
Comments: Everything seems to be coming together for the Ravens, who appear to be the sexy pick in the AFC. Old favorites pair with strong new additions and a couple smart offseason acquisitions to create a roster almost completely free of any glaring holes. Baltimore fans expect a Super Bowl, and approach a division title as being almost a foregone conclusion. Will their hopes be dashed?
Favorite Drink: All liquids in Baltimore are consumed intravenously

#5 GREEN BAY PACKERS
Fandex Rating: 88
Comments: Aaron Rodgers has quickly become one of the most respected passers in the game, and Packers fans believe he is only one monster season away from joining Brees, Manning and Brady atop the pantheon of great current NFL quarterbacks. But Brett Favre is far from an afterthought in Wisconsin these days, and the Pack is going to have to find a way to beat Minnesota if they want to pursue their Super Bowl dream.
Favorite Drink: A frothy glass of milk, straight from the teet

#6 MINNESOTA VIKINGS
Fandex Rating: 88
Comments: The pieces are all there, and a league-opening revenge game at New Orleans should provide plenty of excitement, but Vikings fans have to be feeling a little weary by now. Last season was a charmed year, for both the team and Favre. They did everything right, and still fell short. With so few major additions, can the Vikings find a way over the hump regardless? Either way, it’s a good time to be a Vikes fan.
Favorite Drink: A skull-stein of mead

#7 NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS
Fandex Rating: 85
Comments: The Patriots are anxious to put the upstart Jets and Dolphins back in their place in the AFC East, where they are still kings. However, fears that the Dynasty is dead echo throughout New England. Will the Patriots of 2007 rise from the grave now that Tom Brady is 100%, or will the decline of Belichick’s empire further as the Jets and Phins zip by their window?
Favorite Drink: Sam Adams Octoberfest, funneled, referred to as “Bruschi’s Brewsky”

#8 CINCINNATI BENGALS
Fandex Rating: 83
Comments: A disappointing home playoff loss to New York sullied what was otherwise one of the great seasons in Bengals history. But Cincinnati fans are not likely to soon forget that their team went undefeated in their division in 2009, and that the roster has only since gotten deeper. If things go well, this season could be Marvin Lewis’s masterpiece. If they don’t, it could mean big changes in the Queen City. Fans are enthusiastic, yet nervous.
Favorite Drink: Paint thinner

#9 MIAMI DOLPHINS
Fandex Rating: 80
Comments: With the acquisition of Brandon Marshall and Karlos Dansby, as well as the furthering development of Chad Henne, Dolphins fans have much to be hopeful. Their team has been steadily rising since the 2007 1-15 disaster, and the Parcells-Sparano-Ireland regime has them on the verge of big things. But could they be the third wheel in a two team race? Fans think not, but experts disagree.
Favorite Drink: Appletinis on the dance floor

#10 SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
Fandex Rating: 80
Comments: Years and years of high expectations and postseason failures are beginning to wear on San Diego fans. The window hasn’t closed yet, but the Vincent Jackson holdout has made an already difficult offseason even harder to bear. The run game should improve significantly with the drafting of ready-to-produce rookie Ryan Matthews, providing a new dimension to the pass-happy Chargers offense. Could this be the year? “It better be!” shout impatient Bolts supporters.
Favorite Drink: The worm

#11 NEW YORK JETS
Fandex Rating: 79
Comments: The almost delusional optimism that has overtaken Jets fans since their unexpected postseason run last January has begun to weaken in the face of the nightmarish Darrelle Revis contract holdout. Yet this is still a deep team poised to rank as the league’s best defense for a second straight year. The Jets would do wise to take their focus off the Super Bowl and place it squarely upon the AFC East, which they have not won since 2002.
Favorite Drink: RC Cola chased with 5 Hour Energy Shot and coke

#12 ATLANTA FALCONS
Fandex Rating: 75
Comments: Most experts and all Falcons fans agree: Matt Ryan and Michael Turner are not going to suck this year. In fact, they’re going to be studs. But occupying the same division as the defending champion is never easy, and Falcons fans must be prepared to aim for a wild card. Still, there’s enough talent here to give the Saints a run…but nothing more. I don’t think.
Favorite Drink: Purple drank, gripped then sipped

#13 WASHINGTON REDSKINS
Fandex Rating: 69
Comments: Skins lovers are convinced that in Mike Shanahan and Donovan McNabb, the solution to Synderitis has finally come to Washington. A difficult (and unpredictable) division is the only thing dampening fan expectations, which appear to be a little high for a team coming off a four win season. Regardless, they do not anticipate being basement dwellers any longer, and that’s all that matters.
Favorite Drink: Mike Shanahan brand Kool-Aid

#14 SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
Fandex Rating: 64
Comments: Allow me to summarize the entire basis for Niners optimism right now in one sentence: “This division is bullshit.” The NFC West, easily the league’s weakest bracket, is so bad that any one of its non-Rams teams could contend for the title, and Frisco fans are correct in asserting that they should be the preseason favorites. It’s been a long time since the 49ers were winners, but that very well may change in 2010.
Favorite Drink: “One carbon-neutral Cosmo, Garçon.”

#15 HOUSTON TEXANS
Fandex Rating: 64
Comments: Tired of being the trendy pick, Texans fans want to turn years of strong draft picks and one of the best QB-WR connections in the NFL into the franchise’s first playoff berth, something they nearly accomplished in 2009. Unfortunately, they still live on the same block as the Colts, and that’s not going to make life any easier for Gary Kubiak and his men. Texans fans are hopeful, but cautiously so.
Favorite Drink: Listerine

#16 PHILADELPHIA EAGLES
Fandex Rating: 63
Comments: A hot new quarterback is always reason for excitement, but let’s be honest: nobody has any clue where the Eagles are going to finish this year. I’ve seen predictions that have them winning the NFC East, and predictions that have them finishing dead last with a losing record. After a decade of the status quo, the advent of the Kevin Kolb age in Philadelphia has created a lot of questions, which Eagles fans may or may not be looking forward to answering.
Favorite Drink: A tasteful microbrewed ale. And the splayed vomit of a preceding Phillies game.

#17 OAKLAND RAIDERS
Fandex Rating: 60
Comments: I worry about Raiders fans sometimes. Their organization has been one of the most laughable and embarrassing in sports at times in the 2000s, yet still they stand by them, dressing up weekly like it’s Halloween, waving garish plastic maces in the air, and howling that Raider Nation has returned. It’s like reality has no bearing on their fandom. So in a way, Oakland should top this list week in and week out, regardless of team performance. It should be interesting to see how Raiders fans respond to the first season in recent memory in which they really do have a legitimate shot at the AFC West.
Favorite Drink: The blood of the vanquished (mass dehydration since 2003)

#18 NEW YORK GIANTS
Fandex Rating: 60
Comments: Much like the Eagles, the Giants are hard to place. The talent to win the NFC East is there, but the defense will have to return to 2007/2008 levels for this team to get anywhere. But Giants fans are never ones to get down on themselves, especially when they’re opening up their new digs. If there’s a team Dallas might want to watch out for, it may be this one.
Favorite Drink: Whatever it is, it costs $23.90 at the new stadium

#19 CAROLINA PANTHERS
Fandex Rating: 58
Comments: Matt Moore has given Panthers something positive to focus on as the John Fox Era rounds out to a close. The NFC South has a way of reshuffling itself, and Carolina could be one of the league’s biggest surprise teams.
Favorite Drink: Mint juleps and cigarettes

#20 TENNESSEE TITANS
Fandex Rating: 58
Comments: Two things are for sure: Chris Johnson is an unbelievable freak of nature, and Tennessee isn’t opening with six straight losses again. After that, everything’s a variable, from the play and quarterbacking competence of Vince Young, to the effectiveness of the the Titans defense. If this team were in the AFC West, they’d be playoff contenders. In the South, they’re lucky to get their heads above water.
Favorite Drink: Meth

#21 CHICAGO BEARS
Fandex Rating: 64
Comments: So many questions. How will Jay Cutler perform in his second year in Chicago? What effect will the new, Martzian playbook have on an offense that alternated between bland and self-destructive in 2009? What can fans expect from Matt Forte, Greg Olsen and Devin Hester, all in make-or-break years for varying reasons? Even the fabled Chicago defense has been stagnant as of late. They won’t compete for the NFC North, but that isn’t what fans are asking for. They just want to see some progress, or Lovie Smith is gone.
Favorite Drink: Old Style now, cyanide later

#22 PITTSBURGH STEELERS
Fandex Rating: 62
Comments: The Steelers probably won’t be this far down any power rankings in November or December, but for now, fans can’t be anything but depressed. Not flailing themselves off roofs despondent, but still. Starting Charlie Batch will do that for you.
Favorite Drink: Pabst Blue Ribbon, drank unironically

#23 SEATTLE SEAHAWKS
Fandex Rating: 60
Comments: There’s a lot to be pumped up for in Seattle, between Pete Carrol, Golden Tate, Leon Washington and an easy division. Then again, there’s also concerns about Matt Hasselback’s health and Charlie Whitehurst’s abilities, as well as the unfortunate Russell Okung injury. The NFC West is beyond open for grabs, but Hawks fans are split as to whether they’re ready to reclaim ownership after a couple down years.
Favorite Drink: Is coffee too obvious? Okay, Vitamin R

#24 JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS
Fandex Rating: 55
Comments: Rating invalid, as the Jaguars do not have fans. Jacksonville residents too busy watching Tim Tebow ride pine during Jags blackouts to care.
Favorite Drink: Gatorade

#25 ARIZONA CARDINALS
Fandex Rating: 54
Comments: The ride is over. Cardinals fans now return to their traditional state of irrelevancy, cursing Matt Leinart’s name as they do so. Of course, they retain one of the NFL’s best coaching staffs, and some exceptional talent (yes, Larry Fitzgerald, I know), so anything is possible. But right now? At this exact moment in time, the day Leinart was released? No, today sucks hard.
Favorite Drink: A mysterious bag given to them by a Native American medicine man

#26 DENVER BRONCOS
Fandex Rating: 52
Comments: A horrifically injury-filled offseason compounds the ever-troubled relationship between fans and Josh McDaniels. Everyone agrees that Orton’s the man now, but fanbase greatly divided when it comes to the long-term at QB. Marshall’s gone to Miami, Dumervil’s on the bench, and Denver must now concern itself with staying ahead of Kansas City in the divisional hunt. How’d it come to this?
Favorite Drink: Jack Daniels

#27 KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
Fandex Rating: 52
Comments: The Chiefs are doing a pretty good job imitating the 2001 Patriots. A shame they’re already a decade late. Fans at Arrowhead are unusually loyal, but even their resolve will be worn thin as this team sputters into another gloomy offseason.
Favorite Drink: Ethanol

#28 DETROIT LIONS
Fandex Rating: 32
Comments: Hope. With a brilliant core of young draft picks (Stafford, Johnson, Suh, Best) and a top-flight coach, the Lions will be competitive one day, but that day has not yet come. When you share a division with the Vikes and Packers, a little bit of hope just isn’t enough. Not yet.
Favorite Drink: Distilled hopelessness, battery acid

#29 CLEVELAND BROWNS
Fandex Rating: 15
Comments: Browns fans are a tortured bunch. Like the dawgs they embody, they spend all their fandom sitting patiently at the doorstep, awaiting a master who will never return home. The arrival of Mike Holmgren provides some degree of positivity, but any season spent under Eric Mangini and with Jake Delhomme as your quaterback is bound to be a miserable one.
Favorite Drink: They’ll have what Detroit’s having

#30 ST LOUIS RAMS
Fandex Rating: 8
Comments: Sam Bradford. That’s the only reason they’re not dead last.
Favorite Drink: Budweiser, as is required by city ordinance

#31 TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS
Fandex Rating: 5
Comments: Ouch, this one’s bad. It’s hard for me to think of a coach-QB combo that inspires less optimism than Raheem Morris and Josh Freeman. Their roster is in tatters across the board, and even the old tangerine uniforms have begun to make a comeback. While the rest of us are entering a new football decade, the Bucs are slipping back into a pre-Dungy time warp.
Favorite Drink: Gulf oil

#32 BUFFALO BILLS
Fandex Rating: 2
Comments: I can not think of a more soul-rending situation. In addition to now constant fears regarding possible relocation to Toronto or Los Angeles, Bills fans must also contend with the worst quarterback depth chart in the league, a universally panned coaching hire, a near-dead owner, a tragically bad offensive line and the general sorrows that come with living in Buffalo, of all places. Last year they infused some intrigue by picking up T.O. This year they again attempt the acronym shell game with C.J. Spiller. Not to Buffalo: It is not typically advisable for your most dynamic player to be a rookie! Just put a bullet in them already.
Favorite Drink: Keystone Light, and their own tears
- Manhole Out.